Thoughts on strength

We were supposed to go fishing today, but we didn't. Herself didn't have a good night last night. I think that was partly due to me having a good night. Some nights I actually manage to sleep right through, but there is always a penalty. I snore. On those nights Herself moves out to the spare room. In itself, not going fishing isn't a big thing. It's what it represents more that has reduced me to tears at this point. It's another lot of good memories that have been denied me by this disease she has.

I'm being very selfish here, but also I hope, very honest. You see, what is happening with Herself, aside from the fact that it is killing her is affecting me very badly at this point. There are so many things that I miss. The sound of her voice saying "I love you." Talking to her plants. Singing along to the radio in Sherman with her. She had such a sweet voice as those of you that know her will attest. We have lost so much already & days like this just accentuate it badly.

Yet she shows such strength. When we go shopping, even if its just for groceries, she still finds the time to write, "Thank you" on her talking board. She has the most amazing inner strength that is helping her cope with life. I know it is affecting her though. Especially when I get up at 2.00 AM & find her here on the computer playing games to numb her mind. We both read a lot these days. Thats good anesthesia as well.

I'm pretty much sticking to my resolution to do something constructive every day. Some days its easier than others to do stuff. Today I don't know if anything will get done, although it's only ten & already I feel like its afternoon. A Chinese philosopher once said that the longest journey begins with the first step. He had nothing, I don't think to say about the strength of character needed to take the one after that , and the next. Then the one following that & all the subsequent ones. I don't like digging the vegetable garden all that much, so I just look at the bit that I'm digging & try not to look at the unturned bit. Human nature is a terrible thing though & it's next to nigh impossible not to raise your head to look at what is to come.

On a journey, its that steep climb, or the rickety suspension bridge with only a few boards between you & a screaming drop to the rocks below. In the garden, there is that difficult corner where one of Herself's roses lie in wait for an unwary arm, or the stubborn patch of Couch grass at the end under the trellis. But there are compensations. After the climb, or the nerve shattering creep across the bridge, there is the satisfaction of arriving at your destination, meeting friends or relatives, or seeing new sights. With the garden, there is the gentle joy of seeing newly turned rich dark earth, where there was once only weeds & puggy clay & the anticipation of eating warm fresh tomatoes straight from the vine.

With my life at the moment, I am trying very hard not to look beyond the next step, or the next spadeful of earth. Most days I succeed, but every once in a while, human nature dictates that I rear my ugly head & look at what the future holds. Materially & financially things look OK. It's only when I start looking at the things that really matter that I start seeing the steep & rocky hill, the missing bridge planks, the weeds that are next to impossible to eradicate & most of all, the thorns that cut deep & bleed the soul. I'm not a quitter. This isn't a fight that I will walk away from. This is my life & its the only one I have. I will care for Jude with all that I have while I have her to care for. This I will do because I love her, not because I feel any sense of duty , or any sort of obligation, but love.

It's only when I lift my head & try to picture what lies ahead in my life that things really get shaky for me. When I was 12, I used to imagine what it would be like to be 21 & paint pictures in my head of what my life would be, now that I was "A MAN" It came as a major revelation that nothing changed. I was still me. My next mental milestone was turning 5o in the year 2000. That milestone came & went too. My life was nothing at all like I had envisaged in younger years. I really have stopped looking ahead now. My 20 odd years with Jude have indeed been my days of wine & roses. OK, there have been a few thorns & a bit of couch grass & the odd rocky bit along the way, but they have been & still are, the best years of my life. Thats why when things don't happen when they should now I find it upsetting. Its a bit like getting close to the bottom of a really good bottle of wine I guess. You really savour the last few mouthfuls because you know there aren't going to be any more.