The Last Taboo

I have crossed a lot of psychological hurdles within my own mind when it comes to dealing with Jude's illness. Without going into too many details, most of them involve what I consider to be the infringement of what I consider to be her personal space. Things that I prefer to do for myself when it comes to my own body & that I find incredibly difficult to do for someone else. Still, when you see your loved one in distress & unable to communicate that distress, you are only left with one option. That is to do what needs to be done in a matter of fact fashion in a way that is caring & causes as little embarrassment as possible.

As you know, we have taken delivery of a suction machine for Jude's mouth. What you DON'T know is that I have an almost pathological fear of invading someone elses oral space. I even went out & bought a pair of tweezers so that I could put her Listerine breath freshening strips in her mouth without having to put my bloody great sausage fingers in her mouth. Anyway, Jude had a few difficulties getting settled when she went to bed last night. All I wanted to do was settle down & watch Kevin Costner save the world yet again in "The Guardian," but she needed help about 3 times. Eventually I figured out that she was having problems with an inordinate amount of phlegm in her mouth that she couldn't clear, so off I trots to get the vacuum cleaner.

The previous times she has used it, she was able to do it for herself, but late evenings aren't good for her, so she indicated in no uncertain terms that she would like me to do it for her. I'm not good at the best of times with suction in my own mouth. Unpleasant memories of dental treatment, but the thought of slurping around in someone elses mouth gives me the horrors. Not any more though. It's another personal hurdle that I have crossed & a little bit more confidence in my own ability to cope with things. No doubt there will be more to come, but I feel that little bit more confident about dealing with things.

In other news, I've done my first of two gigs at the library. Apart from a huge case of the jitters, I've learned a lot that hopefully will serve me in good stead for next week. It's taught me a lot about doing a show on my own anyway. It's a lot of years since I have done that, but I'm getting there.

The weather is cooling down so they say. We've had it pretty good so far. have only lit the fire twice & it was more for psychological benefit than warmth, but my bones are telling me that we have reached the end of the golden weather. Jude's natural brother & sister are coming to visit today. haven't seen them since before Xmas, so that should be good. Meantime, I better get my sorry ass off the computer, get some breakfast, get dressed, walk the dog & tidy up the lounge a bit. At the moment there is music spread from one end to the other.. Sighhhh.. Its a hard life sometimes, but it's the only one I have, so I try to make the most of it..