Thoughts on death, dying & grief

I picked my first green bean from my vines today. I just ate it straight from the vine. I have a lot of stuff that is going to be ready while I'm away sadly. My tomatoes are fruiting nicely & my first crop of baby carrots are not far off ready. My globe artichokes have 3 fruit, ( I think you call them that ) coming along nicely. There is a lesson from nature there if you care to look for it.

You see, the last few weeks I have been bound up in the absolute misery that my darlings life had become. She was in a lot of pain up until she started taking morphine & on occasion even that didn't help. It really was a blessing when she died. She went peacefully, with her son & his wife holding her hand. The subsequent mourning period & funeral went in a blur, so it's only really today that I have been able to take stock.

Oh, I have done a little. My neighbor brought over a lovely red rose called Eternal Love. I planted it on the morning of the funeral in what is going to be my remembrance garden. It's a good place to talk to Jude while I do a bit of weeding etc. There were also 3 rather nice flowering bulbs in a pot that I separated & planted there as well in the rain yesterday along with some catnip & oregano. They all seem to be doing OK.

So, I guess the lesson is this. No matter what our personal tragedies may be, nature just keeps on going in its own lusty rambunctious way. It doesnt wait for us, it just keeps right on keeping on. There are those who think I should still be grieving, & learning to live with it. I have done with my grieving. I grieved for my darling watching her helpless, racked with pain & unable to indicate what was wrong. I grieved at the dreadful injustice I perceived of her having the damn disease in the first place. I grieved for a lot of things, some very personal.

So death brings resolution. It brings it in a very final way. I have seen violent death. I have cheated death for 10 years by helping save someone with CPR. I have seen my darling dead under traumatic circumstance revived by an incredibly dedicated medical staff. And I have seen my Darling die very peacefully at home in her bed. That was a wonderful thing to see, & I don't think that anybody who has seen a death like that can dispute that it is a lovely thing to see.

So what am I trying to say ? I suppose that it is this:- don't expect me to go round wearing sackcloth & ashes because I wont be. Do expect me to be picking up the threads of a life that has been on hold for the last 4 years or so. Seeing my darling at rest & pain free has lifted a great weight from my shoulders. Yes I cried. I grieved her passing bitterly, but that is right & fitting to do so. I will carry her in my heart forever, but I will continue my life proud in the knowledge that I have done the best I could for her. No ifs, no buts, just the best I could. Till we meet again my darling