Well hallelujah Brothers & Sisters

I'm going to start a new Church... No, really I am. You see, I get up at around 5.30 AM & the first thing I do... No the second thing I do is brew up a cup of coffee. Then I stagger into the office& contemplate the 'puter for half an hour or so. Thus physically & emotionally fortified, I stagger forth to don suitable worklike clothing & hunt something down in the kitchen to kill for breakfast & lunch. Part of this ritual is the arousal of herself so that she can follow her morning ritual preparatory to her morning walk with a dear friend. Part of her ritual is the preparation of some nameless goop in the microwave & the consumption of same in front of the television watching the BBC news on TV 1. Herself being herself, this also involves compulsive channel surfing during the ad breaks, even though she knows full well what she is going to encounter.

At that hour of the day there is only infomercials & religious programming. Somehow, the ads always seem to involve incredibly fit young people, male & female, pounding away on various machines of fiendish design guaranteed to remove inches off your breasts/buttocks/abs/ thighs/whatever, so long as you follow the special diet that comes with the machine. The cost of these beasts of reduction is horrendous. On the other channels, equally earnest folk of varying age are earnestly entreating us to put our faith (& our cash) in the Lord.

Now here is my very cunning plan. Why not combine the two? I intend to form the First Church of The Holy Exercycle. Its a winner. You see, perspiring adherents will sit on these various machines & while they are losing inches off their flabby abs, I will be trimming sin & building up layers of salvation for their souls.. Can't you see it now ? The first church to ever cater to body & soul at the same time. Hundreds of bodies sweating away flab, all the while singing hymns, & shouting "Hallelujah" & listening to me proselytise. And of course paying me huge sums of money for the privilege while occupying one of the machines that will replace comfortable chairs & pews. I can't lose. Now where was that 0800 number again ????