So this is Christmas

I'm not really sure how we got here, but here indeed we are. Those of you who follow, will know that it has certainly been one of those years for us. I don't think I would like a replay of it somehow. If I was in a pessimistic mood, I could say that it has been a year of crushed dreams, unfulfilled ambitions & personal tragedy. But I'm not like that. Well, not all the time anyway. Okay, maybe some nights at three in the morning when I'm laying awake looking at Herself sleeping peacefully & wondering how much longer I have Her for. Things do look a touch bleak occasionally then.

But we have had good times too & its easier to remember those things rather than dwell on unhappiness. Well, mostly it is anyway. One of the things that has stood out for us both is the quality of friendship that we have been both blessed to receive since Jude has been ill. There have been the inevitable few that have fallen by the wayside because they can't seem to get their head around what is happening, but by & large, we have both been cared for & nurtured in the nicest possible ways.

When someone in a relationship is terminally ill, it is very easy to focus on the ill person & not consider the care giver. I have been very pleasantly surprised at the number of friends who ask how I am holding up as well. One thing I cant deal with is the well intentioned ones who say to me, "I don't know how you are coping with this." Inevitably, this results in me going away & thinking very seriously about how I DO cope. That invariably leads me back to the disturbing realisation that even I am not sure how I do. All I know is that I get out of bed every morning, get dressed & deal with what happens when it happens. One thing I have learnt is not to worry about a bridge unless you are standing on it getting ready to cross it.

In years past, Christmas has always been a very busy time for me workwise. This is the first year ever in a very long time that I haven't been working. This has given me more time to think about Christmas & what it actually means to me. Sadly, I have come to the conclusion that a lot of very sad things have happened to me over the years around Christmas. I wont bore you with the list. suffice it to say that its quite long & very sad. Also, it has no religious connotations for me. Neither did my folks ever make a big thing of it. hanging up christmas cards & a few rudimentary decorations on a pine branch coupled with the chance to present me with next years clothes all nicely wrapped was generally about all. The fondest memory I have is coming home from morning church to the aroma of a roast of mutton permeating the house.

Jude on the other hand loves Christmas. She prepares for it all year, buying little knickknacks as presents & squirreling them away until the time is right to produce them with a flourish & wrap them for whoever they are intended. Normally as well, there is the cooking as well. She does love a big family Christmas dinner, usually cooking enough to feed everyone about three times. We have done the decoration thing & the presents this year, but instead of a whole leg of ham we have just opted for the end of a roll. She hasn't been well enough to do the big Christmas thing & I don't feel like doing it. This year, instead of travelling, we are going to stay home for Christmas Day & go see my Mum on Christmas morning, instead of the week before as we have done in the past. The neighbors have invited us for a BBQ, but we will see how we feel. Boxing Day, we go to Auckland to see the kids.

On the whole, I have found Christmas this year a bit depressing, due I think to a combination of circumstance & having enough time on hand to have a really serious think about the significance of the whole thing. I have done my best, however, to put on a good face & help Jude celebrate it as fully as she wants to. She has gone all out. Even the driveway is decorated this year. As we don't know how many Christmasses we have left together, I wont hold her back.

So anyway, a very Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you all find at least a modicum of happiness & comfort. For me personally, New Year has more significance. There is a bottle of Black Douglas whisky & a supply of soda water & I intend to hoist a few on New Years Eve. For Auld Lang Syne, if nothing else. So, merry Christmas to you all. Thank you for your support, your comments & for the knowing that you do care for us both. We love you all..