Ya Gotta have Faith..

George Michael said a lot more than he realized here. Firstly, let it be known that I am NOT.. repeat NOT a George Michael fan. I would rather see myself off by repeatedly dragging my throat across an extremely blunt & rusty saw blade than be stuck on a desert island with only him &/or his music for company. But you do. You have to have faith in something, from the Atheist's blackness to the holy rolling Godbothering full choir of angels with accompanying St Pete soloing on Pearly Gates or hell fire & damnation if you've been naughty.

I have, for a long time now, leaned towards the idea of self determination; that life is a progression of lessons through stages beyond this earthly plane, eventually becoming one with the Godhead. The lessons we choose to learn on each incarnation are up to ourselves, that we set our learning to experience what we need to know in order to progress. The reason that we don't remember our past incarnations is so that we don't just accelerate the learning process so that we can get our lesson over & done with in the shortest possible time & check out, a bit like the difference between walking around in the dark at home where you know where everything is & blundering about in a dark strange hotel room.

Well, it's like this. Lately , my life has become a very dark & very strange hotel room. If you have been following my blog, you will know what I mean. I find it extremely difficult to believe that those that I love are choosing to experience the sufferings that they seem to be undergoing at the moment just so that I can find out what it is like to lose loved ones by particularly nasty methods. I hope that I'm not really that selfish. The fickle finger of fate seems to be following me right on my heels at present. At the moment, I'm leaning more towards either the Insh'Allah precept as followed by the Arabs or a God with a particularly mean streak of boredom at the moment. For some reason, I keep thinking of the story of Job in the Old Testament, & Gods bet with the devil regarding his faith. Well, I'm not Job & I'm not interested in boils on my arse as a means of testing my faith. OK, good things happen as well, & I really do savour them a lot more at the moment as a means of escape, but it would be nice for those around me to have something nice happen. Like my dear old Mum just die peacefully in her sleep rather than go through having bits cut off her & the black beast eat her from the inside out. It's all the more unjust for her, because her mind is mostly gone & she really doesnt understand.

It would be even better if Herselfs condition was non terminal & treatable, as much for herself as much as any selfish reasons that I can come up with. My Dad had Alzheimers & died of pneumonia after he fell & broke his hip. The only one that has had a dignified death so far is my big sister, Karen. I think that as much as anything, she was just worn out, & died in her sleep. If any of you that read my blog are into prayer, I think we could all use a leg up in that department.

Reading this, it all looks very black & self pitying, but its not really intended to be. I'm just trying to sort out at this point if I really believe what I have so glibly eschewed to myself & anyone else who ever cared to listen. Maybe all this is designed to sort out what I really do believe. I believe at this point, that a good nights sleep is probably the best thing that can happen to me, so I believe I'll go snuggle up to Herself in bed until she gently tells me to roll over & stop snoring, so God bless & good night.