Hi Ho. Hi Ho

So, I'm officially back in the work force. back to giving money to the government instead of standing in the line with my hand out. I don't mind admitting its a good feeling. One of the things I enjoy about my job is the amazing cross section of people I meet & the interesting stories they have to tell. There is one story that I heard last night that I just absolutely have to share with you.

I won't tell you the young man's name for some very valid reasons. I'll just call him George OK ? Neither will I tell you the name of the company he works for. George is my loader & checker at one of the larger freight companies I visit at night. Large enough to be multi national, so its pretty big. What George does is assemble all my freight in one place, collect all the relevant data & consignment notes for my manifest, hand them in to the office so they can print my manifest out then load my truck & trailor. At this, he is extremely good, using his forklift with the precision of a pair of forceps in a skilled surgeons hand. Inevitably, we have a few minutes every night to pass in amiable conversation. George is a quiet, modest, & extremely well spoken young man with a wonderful sense of humour.

He became very interested last week when I mentioned going to see my Mum, even asking on Monday night how she was. It turns out that his Mum passed away recently leaving him with her dying wish that he takes over the care of his 11 year old sister, a responsibility that he has taken on gladly, though I think it does weigh a little heavy on his shoulders at times. Turns out that his Dad was Tongan & his Mum Maori & he grew up in Northland.

Inevitably, we started comparing tattoos & asked after the significance of one of his. He casually informed me, "Oh thats a prison tat." Then his story emerged. It turned out that he had done 5 years for assault. I asked him if he had learned his lesson & he said, "Oh yes. I used the time to go back through my schooling, get a grade 2 certificate in Horticulture & learn about my Mum's culture. When I got out I was asked to do the welcome at a new Woman's Refuge in Hamilton for a special guest of honour." When he got there he found that the guest was actually our beloved Prime Minister, John Keye. After the welcome was over & George had led him inside, the PM asked him what he was doing. George replied, "I'm just out of prison & looking for a job." JK replied, "I may be able to help you there, I have a few contacts in business," & gave him a name & number to ring. So George ended up seeing the CEO for New Zealand of the company he now works for. I thought it an amazing story & told him so. He replied,"Yeah, but I still don't vote National though," climbed back on his forklift & carried on loading my truck.

New Beginnings

Well, I made it home alright. Whispa & I overnighted in Christchurch with no other problems than me feeding her something which upset her little tummy badly & gave her a screaming dose of the shites. Sadly, I gave her the second lot of mince before I realised what the problem was & so we both paid the price when I left her in Sherman for the ferry crossing. Thank you Peter for a lovely afternoon with your family before the crossing. Thank God for old blankets & rubber floor mats, apart from the bit I missed & sat in... A night with Heather & Rob, after I had lost my way getting there, then a trip up to Greytown for a stop over with Janet.

It's always good to see Janet. She is pretty much my oldest & dearest netfriend & we had a lot of catching up to do & a lot of laughing to do as well. Thank you Janet for a wonderful end to a wonderful holiday. And so home, by a slightly devious route, as the Manawatu Gorge road remains closed due to slip damage.

The next day, Dori came up for a visit from Tirohanga Beach & my whole life changed. It was only going to be for a few days, then I was going down to her place for a few days & we were going to sort out what was going to happen from there. To say I was like a spotty teenager on his first date waiting for her to arrive would be a mild understatement. I think our mutual fates were pretty much sealed from the first hug & kiss. It's strange to physically meet someone for the first time & yet know them so well because of the time spent talking online.

To cut to the chase, Dori doesn't live in Tirohanga Beach any more. We are sufficiently smitten with each other that we are convinced we can build a new life together that will overcome the sadness & bereavement that we both have had in our recent pasts. It's taken a few trips to get her here, but here she is & here she stays. Now begins the wonderful task of integrating our mutual possessions, sorting out who does what in the relationship & finding gainful employment for us both. I am going to apply for a position as a Disability Support Advocate with a local Health Group & as yet we aren't sure what Dori is going to do, although there are a number of part time options open to her with similar hours to what I will hopefully be working.

So there it is & here we are. I'm sorry that it has taken a little while to update my blog, but as you can appreciate, I have been a bit busy one way or another. I will be continuing this blog as I really enjoy my writing, so stay tuned. I'm sure the ride will be an interesting one.

Thoughts on erectile dysfunction in Dinosaurs & other absurd notions

I've had a lovely day today. Today we had Anna's second birthday party. Well to be more specific, its Anna's second 4th birthday party. You see, she had one on the actual day & this one so that her Rainbow Connection friends could come. I ended up doing more than I sort of envisaged. You see, someone had to go to the supermarket & blow up all the balloons I guess. I'm not really into hordes of screaming kids round my knees, but I must admit that it felt pretty good.

Its my last night here. I'm feeling sad because I am leaving two wonderful familys behind me & I have no way of knowing when I will see them again. Whispa & I have had a wonderful time. She has just absolutely blossomed under all the attention from the little ones & she loves them as well especially when they are gentle. She sits there & gravely accepts all the attention they can offer. Anna & I have had some lovely walks in the park together. I shall miss those. I suspect that Whispa will miss gravely trotting along behind a little girl as well, so I guess we will be a little bit sad together.

We had a lovely little silly session tonight as well. Both the kids are into dinosaurs, complete with sound effects. I was accorded the privilege of being awarded my own dinosaur. Sadly though, he had a wonky wing. Well, to be precise, when I was presented with him, he was missing a wing. I think he may have even been a mythological creature, not a dinosaur, but for the purposes of the game it didnt really matter. What did matter, however, was that being minus one wing made it terribly difficult for him to fly. In fact, it put us at a serious disadvantage. casting quickly around, I found the missing appendage on the floor. Success at last ! But no, it turns out that the wing was decidedly wonky, refusing to stay erect on its own. Not knowing any saurian equivalents to Viagra, we retreated from the field of battle, bloodied but unbowed.

I wont be staying at Waimate either on the way home. Regrettable because I was rather looking forward to catching up with Leonie & Bob, but still, every cloud has its silver lining, in that it means I can be that little bit further down the road when I stop. I'm planning on carrying on to Christchurch & staying at a pet friendly motel there. will make it that much less distance to cover for Picton & give me time for a catch up with Pete before I catch the ferry back across the straights.

It will be good to finally be on the same bit of dirt as Dori. It will be good to finally get home as well. I miss my little puddytats, I miss my own bed & i miss my home. Coupled with that, I have also had a good rest & recharge time & now feel ready to start a whole new life together. I dont know what sort of life it will be. Thats the exciting/scary part. I am facing a whole new existence with a new outlook & a new & exciting girlfriend. It's going to be a little scary for both of us I guess, but its going to be a hell of a ride...

Beating around bushes & other stuff..

I have been doing a bit of this lately & in all fairness to those concerned I should really stop it. Those concerned, are myself, the new lady in my life, & anyone bored enough to actually read what I write here. Yes folks, you read it right. The old fellow has a new romantic interest in life. gather round, pull up a bean bag & a sardine sandwich & I'll tell you the tale.

Its not a very long one. Dori & I met on the internet. Yes folks thats right, an internet romance. It didnt take us very long to discover a mutual spark that went beyond just getting to know each other as friends. Talking via Skype has only brought out a much greater depth of feeling than either of us ever thought could be possible. We haven't actually physically met yet, but we already feel that we have known each other half a life time. We are both really looking forward to our first meeting when I return home in a few days time.

We both have an awful lot in common. I'm not going to bore you with details, but we both feel that we are kindred spirits enough to be happy together & I know we will. So be happy for us. We have both been through the mill a bit & lost partners/spouses. I thijnk we deserve our place in the sun now, so look forward to hearing about us. I'm sure the ride will be interesting.

A new years starts.

Well, I saw the new year in, as you know, in Invercargill. It was good, apart from being pretty much as far as it is possible to be away from home, so the trip back to Dunedin was sort of like theb start of the long run home.

I'm staying with Sean & his family at the moment & enjoying it. Taking Anna for a walk every morning to the park & being really very silly. its a good release. Also it means that for the first time in her 4 year life, I have been able to share her birthday with her. That means a lot to me, & I thoroughly enjoyed it. The little dog is enjoying being here & is becoming very protective with the kids which is lovely to see. She even went in & gave them both a kiss goodnight the other night.

The whole trip has been a wonderful healing process for me. Although I did much of my grieving while Jude was still alive, the time away has given me breathing space & imbued me with a new firm sense of direction & a fresh sense of purpose. I know now where my life is heading & what I want to do now. So I'm staying here till Monday. Sunday will see Anna's big birthday party. Monday will see me & the little dog on the road home. I will be a lot more relaxed thiis time. My first stop will be at Waimate to stay a night with some old friends there. I will probably cross on the ferry sometime Tuesday night, then will stay in Upper Hutt the next night. Then on to Greytown for the final night of my holiday with Janet & her man. Then heigh ho for home.

Im ready to be home now. There are big things happening in my life, with promise of even bigger things to come. I'm ready for it now. My life is holding a lot of promise of things to come. That is of course if it all doesnt come to a shuddering halt in December like the Mayans reckon.... Happy New Year

New Year with Madz

One of the nice things about travelling is that you get to meet new people & go places you haven't been before. Sounds a bit obvious I know, but I don't look at going someplace you have been half a zillion times before as travelling. I just look at it as going some place to do something. To me, travelling is going to new places & meeting new people. Therefore, by my definition, I am travelling. This leg of the trip is the first bit that I have truly done on my own & its been an uplifting & exhilarating experience. I had almost forgotten what it is like to be truly free on the road. Not that I didn't enjoy travelling with Jude. A lot of my really good memories of her involve the trips & travelling that we did together. But still, being on my own is a whole new experience. Well, nearly on my own. I still have a little travelling mate to consider. She travels very well. She has figured out a cosy little nest in behind the passengers seat where she can stretch out & be comfortable & not get thrown around at all & lays there with her head on the center console only coming out for a sniff when I slow down.

So, here I am at Madz' place in Invercargill. I have never been further south than Balclutha on SH1 before, so it was new ground. I stopped at Gore for lunch & me & the dog shared a lovely steak & onion toasted sammy & chips. Lovely just sitting on the pavement chatting to people as they walked by. So on to Invercargill.

Madz is lovely. Aside from an 18 year old daughter, she also has an 18 month old as well. Also there is a seemingly endless stream of her daughters friends in & out of the house which is great. They are all wonderfully polite young adults, some of them even calling me "sir" I havent been called that in a long time. One of them even elected to stay & have a few drinks with Madz & I rather than go partying. We had a most interesting talk about anarchy versus self determination that I think came out ahead on points in. At the very least, I hope he has gone away with something to think about. In a nice way of course.

So we saw the new year in with the aid of some rum & coke, & the net, so my new friend that I have could join us on line. This morning, I decided to take my dog for a nice long walk along the railway embankment. Thats when I found out that Invercargill weather is like the little girl with the curl right in the middle of her forehead. When it is good, it is very very good & when it is bad it is horrid. We had beautiful weather yesterday. Lovely & sunny. I thought that I would be able to go out & have a good vigorous walk to shake off the post alcohol blues, but no. No more than 5 minutes in, the wind came up & a cold southerly front with rain started moving in so we came home. A descision that the little dog was more than in agreance with. Madz is going to do a nice roast of pork for new years lunch today. I'm looking forward to it. Tomorrow i will head back to Dunedin to spend time with my eldest son. I am looking forward to it. It marks the start of the long road home & the beginning of a whole new life for me.

Culture Vulture

. Dunedin never fails to surprise me with its rich diversity & vibrancy. Today, after we had wrung the last few bargains from the post Xmas sales, Ian & Leasa decided that a touch of culture would do us all the world of good, so we headed for the Municipal Art gallery via the Scottish shop. We did this so that I could replace the somewhat tattered & bedraggled Scottish flag on Sherman's aerial, that I had purchased last time we were here. While I was in there I also bought a "Clan Clootie," which, to the uninitiated, is a very good quality linen tea towel with my clan crest on that I intend to get framed once I get home.

So, onwards to the Art Gallery. I must admit to being pleasantly surprised. Situated in the middle of the hubbub & activity of The Octagon, it provides a haven of peace & contemplative tranquillity & a surprisingly eclectic selection of work. I was most surprised & pleased to find a work there that I had hung in the Gisborne Museum & Art gallery during my tenure as handyman/carpenter. It was like meeting an old friend. It was a piece that had travelled with the Benson & Hedges Art Award road show. Apart from that, the works on display showed an amazing depth & array, from the odd Constable or two, through to local semi folk art to a very modern display featuring a "Black" them, which I really failed to grasp the essence of.

There was a wonderful collection of photographic prints by an artist called Fiona Pardington, & my favourite exhibition of all , a selection of Japanese woodcut prints with a Kabuki theme. The depth of detail in these is absolutely stunning. All this & free entry. Absolutely wonderful.

After that it was back to reality in the Meridian mall for lunch. Hustly bustly mayhem at best, followed by a visit to JB Hifi, which led to a round of self castigation over having left my brother in law's most generous gift card behind. I did come away however, with Dylans latest disc, which updaates my collection, & a DVD of Dylan's performances at the Newport folk festival in the 60's. Home for a snooze & then out for Domino Pizza's for tea. All in all, a lovely way to spend my last day with Ian & Leasa. Tomorrow, the little dog & I are heading for Invercargill to spend New Years Eve with Madz. Can't wait

Down South

Well here I am as the saying goes, Down South. It was a good trip if a little longer than is totally comfortable for old bones & small dogs , but we made it. I have been staying with Ian, Leasa & Conaire these last 2 weeks & it has been wonderful. Conaire & Whispa have been getting to know each other & Conaire is learning that Whispa is not just another stuffed toy & Whispa is learning that little girls aren't really as scary as they first seem. All in all a satisfactory arrangement.

One of the nice things I find about being in a a new town is my daily walks. There is always something new to see, even if you have been in the area before, especially when you are walking with a dog & a 2 year old. In this case, a lovely old concrete building that used to be a family neighborhood 4 square store. It intrigued me that much that I have made 3 visits back there to try & get the light that I wanted. For better or worse, here are the results....





















































The las t photo was taken by a very kind lady & her daughter that just happened to be walking past... Gotta love Dunedin dont ya?????

Back on the road.

My two sons God bless 'em, decided that it wasn't a good thing for me to spend Xmas on my own, a sentiment that I whole heartedly approve of. I didn't want to fly down, as that would present complications with my little dog, who I didnt want to leave behind. So I decided to drive down. Ian decided that he didn't want me driving down on my own, so he flew up & drove down with me. I'm glad he did. It meant that I was able to show him where I scattered his Poppies ashes on the top of Mt Messenger. It also allowed him to catch up with an old school friend in Hawera. I didn't sleep well that night. I didnt put the bung back in the air bed & me & the little dog ended up cast on our backs in the middle like a couple of old fly blown ewes.

Catching up with Rob & Heather in Wellington was great, made even better by the fact that Rob & Ian spent the evening chatting away as if they had known each other all their lives. A 2.30 AM crossing coupled with a lusty blustery Southerly made sure that we didn't get a lot of sleep in spite of having comfortable warm bunks in a cabin. So it was a couple of tired wee lads & a very much relieved little dog that disembarked at Picton & set off for Dunedin. it was a tough drive but we did it in a day, much to the relief of all involved including the dog.

So here we are in Dunedin having a wonderful time. So far, I have had what is rapidly becoming a tradition, namely a tattoo followed by a kebab. It's a beaut. I f you want to see it go to my facebook page. I went fishing yesterday with the father of one of Leasa's friends. It was really a cae of the blind leading the blind, as he had only had his boat out 2 or 3 times before & was actually relying on me to show him where the fish were. He did catch one small Blue Cod & was very happy, as it was the first one he had caught out of his new boat. We also got to see heaaps of seals swimming in the water out by the point & some beautiful scenery as well. Its been over a year since I have been out on the water & the Viking side of my psyche is well appeased. I have also been enjoying some really relaxing time with my family. It is so good not to have anything to worry about except what clothes to put on.Iian & Leasa & Conaire have been wonderful to me in so far as they have provided a stress free environment for me to relax, refresh & recharge.

As I have been sitting writing this, we have experienced the second of 2 earth tremors that Christchurch has experienced today. I was asleep for the first, but Ian felt it. Hey enough already. Haven't they had enough in a year without doing this to them so close to Xmas. My heart goes out to them.

So, I'm looking forward to Xmas. Spending time with my family offers the promise of regeneration, recharge & a fresh outlook on life. New Years Eve, I will drive down to Inver argill, (yes folks, very carefully) with my little dog & spend a night or two at Madz's place. Quite looking forward to getting po faced with her & playing cards for the evening to see in the New Year. Then its back to spend a week or two with my other son, Sean & his family, then the start of the long trek home. But even that will be a pleasure as life changing events are starting to unfold for me in a most joyous way. I have had enough sadness & sorrow in my life the last few years & things are happening that promise a whole new life.

So, Merry Xmas & a Happy New Year to you all. May you celebrate & enjoy it in what ever fashion you wish. May your fondest dream for the new Year be the worst thing that happens to you &, Most importantly, may the skin of your bum never cover the head of a banjo...

A brave new world

So said Aldous Huxley & the Preacher in War of the Worlds. It's a little bit scary being back in the world without Jude to cower behind. All of a sudden, I basically have nobody to please bar myself. The invites are starting to come in & I catch myself starting to say, "No sorry I can't because....." then I realise I can. I can because at the moment I'm not bumping around in trucks till all hours, nor do I have an ailing wife to tend any more. It's a strange feeling, but I guess I will get used to it.

I'm now actually looking forward to returning home from Dunedin to start forging a life for myself. Exactly what that life will be or who it will be with I have no idea at this stage. Thats the exciting bit...

Goin' Down

Tuesday was a down day. I was doing OK. Right up to the point where the undertaker dropped by with some more cards, Jude's ashes & the funeral bill. Would have been nice if they phoned first, but just dropping in set me back to a point I thought I had passed. Guess I'm not so smart as I thought I was. I can see I'm going to be doing a lot of gardening. It seems to be a refuge for me when things get tough.

Last night the couriers came & collected all the equipment that the system were so unstinting in providing to help make Jude's life a little bit more bearable. I now have my workshop & lounge back. The place seems empty now. Can anybody tell me what company to call to come & take away this horrible hollow feeling away that I have in my stomach. All these things are driving home the awful awful finality of death. I'm never gonna see my darling in this lifetime again. OK, she wasn't really up to much the last few months, but at least I could go put my head on her shoulder & have a good howl. She was always good for that. The garden got another hammering last night as well. Tigs has finally started putting in an appearance for things other than food. She came to me for a smoodge about 2.00 this morning which was good for both of us.

On the upside, I'm off down to Dunedin soon for Xmas with my sons & their families, I have the steadfast & unfailing love of my little dog & WINZ were incredibly helpful this morning. As the Beatles said, "Oblidee oblidah life goes on."

Thoughts on death, dying & grief

I picked my first green bean from my vines today. I just ate it straight from the vine. I have a lot of stuff that is going to be ready while I'm away sadly. My tomatoes are fruiting nicely & my first crop of baby carrots are not far off ready. My globe artichokes have 3 fruit, ( I think you call them that ) coming along nicely. There is a lesson from nature there if you care to look for it.

You see, the last few weeks I have been bound up in the absolute misery that my darlings life had become. She was in a lot of pain up until she started taking morphine & on occasion even that didn't help. It really was a blessing when she died. She went peacefully, with her son & his wife holding her hand. The subsequent mourning period & funeral went in a blur, so it's only really today that I have been able to take stock.

Oh, I have done a little. My neighbor brought over a lovely red rose called Eternal Love. I planted it on the morning of the funeral in what is going to be my remembrance garden. It's a good place to talk to Jude while I do a bit of weeding etc. There were also 3 rather nice flowering bulbs in a pot that I separated & planted there as well in the rain yesterday along with some catnip & oregano. They all seem to be doing OK.

So, I guess the lesson is this. No matter what our personal tragedies may be, nature just keeps on going in its own lusty rambunctious way. It doesnt wait for us, it just keeps right on keeping on. There are those who think I should still be grieving, & learning to live with it. I have done with my grieving. I grieved for my darling watching her helpless, racked with pain & unable to indicate what was wrong. I grieved at the dreadful injustice I perceived of her having the damn disease in the first place. I grieved for a lot of things, some very personal.

So death brings resolution. It brings it in a very final way. I have seen violent death. I have cheated death for 10 years by helping save someone with CPR. I have seen my darling dead under traumatic circumstance revived by an incredibly dedicated medical staff. And I have seen my Darling die very peacefully at home in her bed. That was a wonderful thing to see, & I don't think that anybody who has seen a death like that can dispute that it is a lovely thing to see.

So what am I trying to say ? I suppose that it is this:- don't expect me to go round wearing sackcloth & ashes because I wont be. Do expect me to be picking up the threads of a life that has been on hold for the last 4 years or so. Seeing my darling at rest & pain free has lifted a great weight from my shoulders. Yes I cried. I grieved her passing bitterly, but that is right & fitting to do so. I will carry her in my heart forever, but I will continue my life proud in the knowledge that I have done the best I could for her. No ifs, no buts, just the best I could. Till we meet again my darling

My rambling pal is dead & gone

she's left me here to ramble on
if when we die, we go somewhere
bet you a dime, she's rambling there.

At round 08.30 hrs yesterday morning, quietly peacefully, at home in bed surrounded by her family. Do not grieve her passing celebrate her life, her gentle spirit, her giving nature, her love of life, music, flowers, people, cooking & gardening & last but not least me.

She went into the field of battle knowing that it was going to be a long drawn out campaign that she had no hope whatsoever of winning, but she went into it without hesitation or complaint, fought a no quarter asked or given fight & has retired from the field of battle with her flag still flying, her spirit unbroken and her love undiminished.

Judith Ellen Leslie, I salute you as a bold & true warrior. I have loved you from the day I met you & love you still... Fly in peace my beloved You deserve it...

The Long & Winding Road

Jude has nearly reached the end of her particular long & winding road. Those of you who know her will know what an amazing battle she has fought & what a long & winding road we both have walked. She is at home & at peace now just waiting for the door to open. You my regular local readers are most welcome to drop round & spend a little time talking to her. I know she loves you all. If you are inclined, please say a prayer for those of us that can't yet follow her down the next bit of her journey. I know she will be surrounded with flowers & love when she passes.. With love, James

Down by the river

Years ago, when Jude & I hadn't been together all that long, & we were both doing shift work, me in the Fire Service & her in the Comms section at the International Airport, on the rare days we had off together, we used to take time out. We would stop at the local bottle shop, get a nice bottle of wine & head for Western Springs. As the name implies, there is a natural spring there that used to be the water supply for Auckland. These days, its a rather lovely reserve that backs on to the zoo with a proliferation of bird life, mainly water fowl.

We would stop at The Saigon Bakery across the road & get lunch, generally pork & egg turnovers & the most beautiful filled rolls made with the beautiful crisp French style bread that only the Vietnamese seem to be able to make. By the entrance, there was always a rack, with brown paper bags full to overflowing with stale (By their standards) bread. Lunch, wine & duckfood safely in hand we would wander off round through the meandering paths around the lake. Not for us the clamoring yammering ducks geese & swans that would trample over their little ones in an effort to gorge themselves & to hell with their babies.

We found this tranquil little clearing way round the back of the lake, where if you sat quietly on the grass & ate your lunch, you were rewarded with a family of very shy & cautious Pukekos that would tentatively poke their heads out of the reeds around the clearing. If you were patient, they would come right up to you & take the bread very carefully from your fingers, a rare privilege to experience. But would they bolt it down & clamour for more ? Not on your life. They would walk back to the reeds, very carefully remove the morsel from their beaks with one of their spiny red feet & gently feed their little ones with it, who had obviously been told very firmly by Mum to "Stay exactly where you have been left or else !" Only when they had sated the little ones hunger would they proceed to eat their own fill.

We swapped our trusty small wheeled wheelchair for a conventional one last week. Jude's general condition & the weather meant that we didn't get a chance to road test it until the week end, so we headed of for the reserve at the riverside well within leisurely strolling distance, with a bag of stale bread & the little dog plodding dutifully beside. The new chair is much easier to manage & we arrived there, to the delight of the ducks, in fine shape. There is a little picnic table there in the shade of a tree, so I parked her wheelchair so that I could sit beside her with my arm around her & feed the ducks. I happened to look across at her to see tears streaming down her face. My face was wet as well. I said to her, "Are you remembering our days at The Springs as well ?" She nodded. We both sat there & cried for days gone. Whispa broke the spell by making one of her rare sallies after the the ducks from her lair under the table. By that time all the bread was gone, so reluctantly, we set course for home.

Can I smell my Lilacs please ?

Jude as I guess you know, before this accursed illness, was an avid & loving gardener. I'm doing my best to look after her beloved plants, but its an uphill battle. One of her most prized plants is a Lilac tree that in spite of my worst efforts so far, ( I haven't got to that garden yet & the base of it is smothered with Wandering Jew & that dreadful sticky creeper,) is an absolute picture of blossom. Colleen, our care giver, invades the garden every so often & makes up a vase full of flowers & puts it where Jude can see it from her chair in the lounge. The current bunch, which is in a beautiful light green glass vase that was one of my Mum's wedding presents, consists of some of her early roses with some of her precious Lilac.

Anyway, tonight we were sitting watching TV tonight & i saw her typing away on her Ipod. When she held it up, I read, "Can I smell my Lilacs please ?" I got up, went & got the vase for her & held it so that she could smell it. I must admit that the smell of Lilac in the evening is something to be treasured. She sat there inhaling the fragrance with tears streaming down her face. It struck me that it was so incredibly sad to have the ability to get up, walk outside & bury your face in fragrant blossom taken away from you. I held it there as long as she wanted then put it back on the coffee table. I must admit to a surreptitious wiping of my own eyes as well.

Our power company sent us a letter to inform us that they were going to be cutting our power for 5 hours on the 17th. of this month for maintainance, & if this presented a problem, to contact them. So I did, naively expecting them to front with a generator, but no. Their best suggestion was to go somewhere there was power. I nearly suggested somewhere THEY could go, but kept my cool. So I got to thinking. What would happen if we did have a major power outage like the one not so long ago that lasted 3 days ? So I am currently searching Trade Me for a 230 volt generator. There are quite a few there at the moment. Not surprisingly, a lot from Christchurch.

I went to the doctors today with a list. Most of which was for Jude. her current pain relief regime hasn't been doing its job lately, so I figured a review was in order. The acquisition of a rather ingenious pill crusher has opened up the range of medications substantially, so we have had major changes. Hopefully tonight will tell. She has gone straight off to sleep tonight without her usual 2 or 3 requests for suction, which is very hopeful. Maybe a good night's sleep is in the offing. God knows we both need it....

Thoughts on cross country wheelchair racing

It should be made an Olympic sport... No, really, I'm serious. There is a surprisingly high level of fitness required just to push a bloody chair along a footpath. I should explain. It was so nice yesterday, I asked Jude if she would like to go for a walk. She would, so we did. All the way down to the reserve I usually walk to & back. I was feeling it muchly by the time we got back. You see, I have found out that footpaths have a very gentle slope towards the road & as chairs have castor front wheels, a certain amount of pressure is required to keep the chair on the straight & narrow. I felt like I had had a full body workout by the time I got home, but Jude enjoyed the outing even though she was too tired for her lunch time feed. Apparently, its OK for her to do that every once in a while, so it was a reasonable trade off I thought.

Today, her best friend Di phoned to see if she wanted to go for a walk. Di is always good value. She is an old Patchwork friend of Jude's, a very talented artist, a loyal friend to both of us & a sensible straight talking lady. As she is somewhat older , we loaded Jude into the powered chair. her self confidence has taken a bit of a battering, so she asked me if I would come along too. Just as well. I have noticed that her right arm is getting very weak, but I didn't realise how much. It's now next to impossible for her to operate the joystick with it. I checked & it was an easy thing to swap it to the left hand side, but even though she has a little more use of her left hand still, it wasn't easy for her. Well, you have surely tried to do things with your off hand & you must know how difficult it is. It ended up with her doing what Di laughingly called donuts on the foot path. It ended with me driving the chair home for her. Once again, she was that tired she skipped a meal.

I know there is a variety of joysticks available for her chair but we need to think very seriously as to if it is actually worthwhile to keep it here. For the little bit she goes out. I think a conventional chair may be easier to manageI need to talk to the occupational therapist to see if a chair with bigger wheels might be easier to manage. The other thing worthy of consideration is the possibility that the outings may not be worth the toll it takes on her in the form of exhaustion & missed meals.

Spring time is always a time of hope & growth. All the plants & seeds that I have planted have germinated despite my hamfisted agricultural efforts. We have the Webb Ellice Trophy safely within our grasp despite, what to me, was a somewhat lacklustre game despite the nail biting second half, The oil recovery from the MV Rena is going well & the weather is holding off, the weather is lovely at the moment & the washing is coming in from the line with that sweet fresh smell that only a sunny day & a gentle breeze can give & I'm making headway with the gardens. Surely a time for renewed hope & optimism. I'm certain that if I tell myself that enough I will end up believing it.

They shoot horses don't they ?

I went to the Doctors today. You see, some years ago while in the throes of a mid life crisis, I bought a motor bike. Not a great ravening beast of a Harley, but a modest Honda 25o. I rode one for a while when I was younger, so I guess it was Glory Days. Anyway, the inevitable happened & I fell off. Not at any great speed, about 10 km/h in loose metal to be exact. When I went down, my left foot took the weight of the bike care of the chain sprocket landing on it. I broke a couple of bones in my foot. My first experience of plaster was not a happy one.

Anyway, it's sore again. Quite markedly so. Hence the visit to the Dr. He's from Colorado,. hence the allusion to horses. He reckons its probably injury related arthritis & has prescribed accordingly. This is on top of things like Judes illness & my Mum in a vegitative state due to advanced senile dementia. About 4 years ago, she had to have one of her little toes amputated due to cancer. I was told at the time there was a possibility that it may have spread. Apparently it has. The home phoned the other day to tell me that she has a lump in her groin. So much for her dying peacefully in her sleep. I have made a conscious decision not to go & see her any more, because it is so upsetting & I need my energy & emotional strength to care for Jude. That doesn't mean I don't love my Mum any more, I do, but the dried up little husk that I sit & watch sleep for half an hour really isn't my Mum any more. I don't know where my Mum is. I wish I did. I love her dearly still & find the thought of her dying of cancer is one that I find very distressing.

All this makes it just that little bit harder to get through every day, but I did get at least one bit of good news:- my blood pressure is a very healthy 120 over 80. The pills I take for that go a fair way towards that, but its good news none the less. I hope that I get some good news soon. I don't think I can deal with a lot more bad news.

Progress I guess

It's strange when you think about the word progress. It can mean so many things. In our own particular case, it rests with having a health care system that open handedly dishes out equipment to make our lives easier. I did a mental inventory yesterday. Aside from providing Fortisip, which is literally Jude's life sustainer these days we have, A BIPAP machine, a suction machine, a hospital bed, a motorised wheelchair, an ordinary wheelchair, two commode chairs, one with wheels, one not, a powered patient lifter, a pressure free topper pad for the bed, a transfer seat for the bath (soon to go) & access to a supply of monthly consumables that Jude needs to make her life comfortable. We also have, funded by ourselves, a walk in wet area shower, which makes Jude's life a lot easier. We have a care giver that showers & dresses Jude twice a day & a cleaner that comes in twice a week to give the house a clean up, because as you well know, real men don't do vacuuming.

I'm extremely grateful for all this help. its a double edged sword though. By providing all this gear, it means that Jude stays home & frees up bed space in either a home or a hospital & the staff needed to care for her . That's OK though. There is no way Jude will ever be going in to a home.

Still, I can't help but think of other areas that progress would be nice in:- A miracle cure for MND. Hearing my darling say , "I love you" again. Taking her out for dinner. Sitting in the boat in the middle of the Gulf reeling snapper in. Watching her enjoy her garden again. I could go on, but whats the point. So many things we have both irredeemably lost, yet so much we have both found because of this cursed illness. We have found love & strength that I don't think either of us dreamed possible. I personally am learning a care & compassion that I never thought possible & I am learning a huge respect for the strength & determination that Jude has.

That , I guess, is certainly progress beyond price.

Message for Deirdre

I found you on Facebook, but you haven't got an add friends button on your page. I would very much like to add you to my list of friends. If you are happy with this, I am James Leslie, Thames new zealand. looking forward to hearing from you. For some reason, your setup for comments wont let me post comments on your blog.. Take care , James